Ways to tell people you are going to graduate school


Say: "Oh, I have a busy few months coming up."
Mailman: "Oh yeah? What's up?"
Allow your eyes to grow misty and secretive. "It's really personal, sorry."

Email your editor to thank him for his edits on your story. Remind him how important it is that his edits are correct, as you are soon to be in graduate school, where it is so important to be correct.

Tell everyone, vaguely, that you will be spending much of your time "uptown" this fall. When asked to specify what is happening uptown, reply sharply: "What the hell do you think is happening uptown, Andrea?"

When a date asks, "What have you been up to lately?" stand up, throw your lipstick at them, and shout, "PREPARING FOR GRADUATE SCHOOL!?!?"

Listen intently as a friend discusses their romantic distress. Murmur, "Yes, well, luckily, where I'm going—graduate school—that would just never happen. Everyone will be hot, single, friendly, and chill."

At a friend's 30th birthday party, casually faint. As everyone flutters around you, the air ripe with concern, gently come to. "It must be the stress of... almost being in graduate school," whisper hoarsely.

Sit on your front stoop with a guitar, singing and making deep eye contact with everyone who passes: "Guess where I'm going / Guess / Guess / Guess / Guess / Guess / Guess / Excuse me / Guess where I'm going"

Take your leave at a dinner party by saying breezily, with a faint accent, "Well, I'm off to become significant!"

Bake 2,000 paleo cupcakes with the phrase "Good Luck To Me in Graduate School, WOW!" Pelt them at pedestrians from the balcony of someone who also doesn't know you are attending graduate school.

Stick your face very close to your cat or dog's face. Grab their furry cheeks. Say, trembling: "I'm going to learn for you. Mark my words."


Love,
Ellie