Ways the world could in fact be worse


Instead of squirrels we have lions. There are just too many lions. It's hard to go outside, and if you're not a fast runner too bad

Mermaids are real but they're tiny and everywhere, like in the toilet and your Brita filter and sidewalk puddles, and if you accidentally look them in the eye they'll tell you what's bad about your personality

Everyone is telepathic but we can only hear one person's thoughts (Hannah Bronfman). Every day is a battle to hear your thoughts over Hannah Bronfman's thoughts

Everyone wears Elmo suits to work, even freelancers and pop stars. No one knows why, but we Must. It's impossible to tell who's who most of the time

The only kind of cups that are available to buy are $40 faux-vintage cups featuring a 1950's-era ad for war bonds. Even at weddings, these are the only cups

It's customary for every U.S. presidential candidate to write their own campaign song, which they personally perform live at every single public appearance. The audience is compelled to sing along. Candidates who went to NYU Steinhardt have a significant structural advantage

Every TV show has been made illegal except Spartacus: Blood and Sand. This is sexy at first, and then not

Donald Trump's eyeballs fall out during the State of the Union, and Sarah Sanders is like no they didn't, and Jeanine Pirro is like wow the FBI will do anything to harm this president, and Tucker Carlson is like it's absurd that the far-Left media is paying attention to Trump's eyes falling out considering Venezuela, and then about a third of the country decides it's actually a genius power move to rip out one's own eyes, but they keep getting into fatal car accidents and knocking things over and there are squished eyeballs everywhere

All the birds suddenly start singing jaunty tunes in human words about how scary cancer is and how many things might cause cancer

Panic attacks are cool to have, like orgasms or expensive clogs. People are always working to give themselves more frequent and high-profile panic attacks. Sometimes people do panic attacks for an audience at bookstores and in other public spaces, moderated by exciting up-and-coming millennial writers

If you have a bad butt, like it's not what it once was in terms of size or shape, there's an enormous amount of social pressure to have a "Bad Butt" party where all of your friends dance around you screaming "Bad butt!"

Instead of sunsets, the sky goes lime green and then black really quick

There was an accident, Bill Maher was cloned a couple hundred thousand times and the scientists didn't know what to do with all the clones so they just let them loose in New York City. Bill Maher is your Uber driver, the mayor, a dentist, every third man on Tinder, playing the saxophone on 72nd and Broadway

All dating apps have fallen prey to an irreparable bug that allows users to reach their hands through their phone and grab you in the boob whenever they feel like it. Everyone immediately gets used to it



Love,
Ellie