Questions I have been asked on apartment rental applications, practically
Who's your smartest friend?
What's your Hebrew name?
Are you typically a shallow breather?
Do you use HeadSpace?
How fast could your uncle run a mile, if he had to?
Do you honestly think you're going to get this apartment?
What are you going to do if, say, you don't find an apartment in time?
Why did you fall all over yourself to find a subletter to replace you before you even found an apartment?
If you move into this apartment, will you ever practice thoughtfully explaining to someone how they have wronged you while taking a shower?
Will you ever actually make a stew?
Will you ever actually host a dinner party for once in your life?
How much time per day, on average, do you spend thinking about iPhone radiation?
What was your major in college?
Why haven't you read more of the canon, then?
Rank your favorite bugs 1-10.
How would you react if you had recently witnessed the slaying of your best friend, your other best friend, and two of your dragon sons, and the love of your life ended up being your nephew and told everyone after you asked him to please keep that private?
Who is your dentist?
Why don't you go to "Soul Dental" like everybody else you know?
Don't you like this photo from the Soul Dental website?
What about this quote?
How many teeth do you have, currently?
Do you know what you look like when you laugh?
What's your glasses prescription?
Have you ever purposefully put off buying new glasses with a stronger prescription in a failing effort to "train your eyes"?
Did you, during the 2017 solar eclipse, accidentally look at the sun, cry, and then immediately run to the eye doctor?
Why, if you live very close to the park right now, would you voluntarily choose to live less close to the park?
Do you realize how much you enjoy the park?
Do you have $5 million and three bags of ham and one pair of courting bowerbirds for a nonrefundable credit check fee?
Do you have any tattoos?
Why not? What are you waiting for, exactly?
Is there such thing as eating too many fermented foods in one day?
Do you believe that everything is conscious?
What about mountains? Are mountains conscious?
Why, on a recent date, did you pull your foot out of your clog and say, "Look how veiny it is"?
Do you have a plan for when your jawline really starts to fade into your neck?
Do you regret that time several weeks ago when you said Pete Buttigieg was "tiny and I don't mind him"?
Graduate school! Interesting choice. Not really a question, just a statement.
How tempted are you—since everyone, including longtime friends, apparently seems to think you are 27—to just start telling people you are 27?
When you've ridden horses in the past, did you feel like they respected you?
Did you auto-subscribe people to your personal newsletter?
How many people?
Did you not see all of the tweets from people complaining about being auto-subscribed to their friends' newsletters?
Do you have any idea how much a good kitchen island costs?
Love,
Ellie