My email inbox, if I'm being sensitive

SUBJECT LINE: INTO THE ABYSS, AND THROUGH IT

In 2020, we’ve all felt the pangs of fear. We’ve felt the current of sorrow, hot and unyielding. This Saturday, join Kacey and Melissa N. and heal with 50 minutes of passionate jumping jacks and incorrect squats, all to the tune of Sufjan Stevens’ seminal album “Chicago.” But maybe even that is too hard for you? Aw.


SUBJECT LINE: U FAILED :(

Dear Ellie,

We wanted to reach out to thank you again for your time, and to let you know that we have decided to go in a different direction for this position. You are simply too dumb—no offense and sorry about that :)


SUBJECT LINE: AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM AT&T

Bleep bloop this is some sort of hack! HAHAHA! We know you will immediately forget about this email and never look into itfdhjklhdeaw


SUBJECT LINE: OUR PROJECT

Dear Ellie,

Aw. It was so great chatting with you about this exciting project that we were thinking about doing together. However, with Mercury almost in retrograde 2 months from now, it just feels like bad timing... bye!


SUBJECT LINE: TODAY’S HEADLINES

-WORLD GETS EXPONENTIALLY WORSE IN MOST WAYS

-SOME PEOPLE DO IMPORTANT THINGS THAT ARE GOOD

-ELLIE SHECHET STILL BUYS A FAIR AMOUNT OF SINGLE-USE PLASTICS, JUST MEDITATED WITH A TREE AND CANNOT RUN FAR


SUBJECT LINE: YOUR PITCH

Dear Ellie,

Thank you so much for your pitch. However, we suggest that you go take two hot dogs, grill them, and stick them up your nose until they go ahead and scald the piece of your brain that came up with this idea. Please do feel free to get back to us then, when the hot dogs have fixed your bad brain.


SUBJECT LINE: WE MISS YOU

Dear Eleanor,

We haven’t seen you in the chiropractor’s office since that one time you came and we taped your back into place, as if you were a plastic doll, and then you got a rash from the tape. Remember: You have bad posture and it is getting worse and worse and worse, and one day you will simply curl up like a snail.

Warmly,

Dr. Rudy


SUBJECT LINE: AUTOMATED MESSAGE

Dear Ellie,

Thank you so much for your patience while we took the time to assess the job application you submitted [30 MINUTES] ago. We did not read it, but sensed—energetically—that your qualifications do not match this job. Please feel free to apply for future positions, in case we read that application, but we might not! Warm regards.


SUBJECT LINE: ZOCDOC REMINDER

Dear Eleanor,

YOU HAVE NOT GONE TO ANY DOCTOR IN OVER ONE YEAR. YOU COULD BE DEVELOPING LITERALLY ANYTHING—CANCER, INFERTILITY, BLINDNESS, VAGINA DENTATA, TOOTH ROT, JAW DISEASE, A RARE HORN IN YOUR BUTT. PLEASE MAKE AN APPOINTMENT RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU CAN’T FIND ANYONE WHO TAKES YOUR NEW HEALTH INSURANCE, IN WHICH CASE NVM AND DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT.


SUBJECT LINE: MY GOOD LIFE

Dear Ellie,

Aw—yes, I am happy to discuss my life as a therapist and witch upstate. Please give me a call at the number below.


SUBJECT LINE: ENVIRONMENTAL NEWS FOR 23 NOVEMBER 2020

In today’s top stories, hmmmmmm okay sorry before we begin we are just wondering why you’re not literally using your own head and hair to plug a methane leak? Or something like that, given what is going on? Oh, you’re working on your newsletter of lighthearted jokes that you are afraid to charge people money for? I’m so sorry, we didn’t realize you were doing incredibly important things. That sounds fun, good for you! JK!


SUBJECT LINE: QUICK NOTE

Hi Ellie, hope you’re holding up well in this crazy time! We haven’t met, but I’m just reaching out to let you know preemptively that most of your ideas are bad and all of us here (on Earth) are ideally hoping to not hear from you. Let’s assume that anything you are working on will go horribly wrong, and instead I think you should consider sitting under a table for years and years until your hair falls out and your teeth turn gray with the soot of time. That would also be humiliating, but maybe in a better and less public way?

Have a safe and wonderful Thanksgiving!


SUBJECT LINE: AN UPDATE FROM SPOTIFY

We’ve put together a brand new set of playlists just for you, Ellie S.! They represent your wide-ranging musical taste. Check them out here:

  • Songs From Sad Space Movies

  • That’s It


Love, Ellie