A list of small businesses I could hypothetically run out of the former site of the Penny House Cafe, which appears to be for sale on Craigslist
Omar [Something], Horrible Lists star and owner of the Penny House Cafe, is apparently now selling that cafe on Craigslist for $95,000. I don't know why he is "leaving the state," or why he is choosing to make this transaction through Craigslist, or why there are two separate listings, or if this is some kind of joke—you'll have to ask Omar, or Samer Kalaf, who chats with Omar sometimes ("I've never had a bad bagel there," Samer says, despite controversy) and sent me this tip.
Anyhow, I have been thinking, and here is what I'd do with the space if someone were to hypothetically give me $95,000.
Stop and Smell the Plants
A winter pop-up shop where you go in, smell a room filled with plants, and leave. There is a modest entrance fee. You can't buy the plants. They're just for smelling.
Squish Emporium
Squish Emporium sells every squishy toy under the sun, but also, everything is squishy—the bins, the walls, the business cards.
Woo Woo
A wellness space for elegantly self-aware people.
Laguna Beach Bar
A tiki bar where Laguna Beach is always playing on the TV. It is playing so loudly that you have to watch it. This isn't a bar for talking, it's a bar for quietly watching Laguna Beach.
Ariana Grande Karaoke for One
A cozy karaoke space for rent that allows laymen to attempt Ariana Grande bangers from within the safety of a soundproof room. Only one person can go in at a time. This is about privacy and challenging yourself. If you want, Karaoke for One staffers will clap and scream compliments from behind a screen.
Beep Beep Outta My Way
At Beep Beep Outta My Way, a revolutionary workout studio, everyone runs around in circles screaming BEEP BEEP OUTTA MY WAY!
The Ellie Method
The Ellie Method is a gentle exercise regimen pioneered by me that involves 10 minutes of light jogging, then 10 minutes of stretching, then 10 minutes of light yoga, then one round of 5-pound weights, then a snack, then shavasana, then everyone goes around in a circle and compliments each other and cries.
Prospect Heights Climate Disaster Training Center for Physically Useless Professionals
Learn to run fast, identify plants, locate water, tie knots, build shelter, start a fire, murder quietly with your bare hands, and more.
Lie Down to Celtic Instrumental Music Room
For extra $$, a no-nonsense farmer from County Clare will softly scratch your arms.
Cool and Affordable Swimsuit Store With Tons of Options
There just isn't a one anywhere. There is genuinely a hole in the market.
If You Have Food Allergies You Can Eat Stuff Here
A high-concept restaurant.
Bagels for Bitches
A bagel store for bad girls. The logo is a picture of Kristen Stewart eating a bagel.
What business would YOU open in the space that was once Prospect Heights' premiere destination for fine coffee and weird service?
Love,
Ellie